Tomorrow's my birthday.
I'm passed the age to want to celebrate - and just trying to think when that happened has really made me reflect on the past.
My 30th birthday was lovely - a big party and the hubby proposing
My 21st was a no show.
My 18th was another no show - a night up the pub with my mates but had to be home by 10.30pm, and not be drunk
My 16th was with my parents at the local Beefeater
My 13th was with about 8 friends at home, with a birthday tea, a black theme and a horror movie - which was a great laugh and so much fun as everything was so innocent and we could still get away with playing party games but we all felt so grown up dressed in black and watching a film which was really too old for us.
Prior to this, my mum organised many little parties for my birthdays, full of yummy food, music and games, with my mum normally stealing the limelight and being the life and soul of the party - she was always more popular with my friends than I was (or so it seemed to me!)
Something I do remember was what my mum said every birthday, for as long as I can remember, in her own, special way: " Ok, then, where's my present? It may be your birthday but if I hadn't given birth to you, you wouldn't be having it!"
I honestly believe that it is impossible to really appreciate your mum until she's no longer there.
Without looking through rose-tinted glasses, our relationship was far from perfect - from both sides. But knowing she was at the end of the phone and would always be there, whatever I did was such a warm feeling that you don't realise exists until it's gone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here wallowing in self pity, it's just a melancholy, reflective moment. I know there are many people who never knew their parents, therefore I understand how lucky I am. I also know they would be really pleased at how contented with life I am - and that I eventually got the life they wanted for me.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss either my mum or my dad - as I watch my boys grow up, I know how proud they would be of them, but they have missed out on so much. The love of my parents would have been passed on to them and they would have loved spending time with them. The boys have lost two of the people that would have been most influential to them. It's for the boys that I feel most sad as the sharp pain I felt at the losses has dulled with time, just leaving an empty hole, that only your parents can fill.
A bizarre thought that remains with me is that the people who made me have gone - the womb I came from has disappeared into the earth, and with it part of me.
It always made me giggle at the thought of giving my mum a birthday present on my birthday when I was little, but maybe it is a good time to say a little thank-you for all that mothers have given us, and remember to give your mum and dad an extra hug next time you see them.
And, on that note - time to go for tonight.........
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